Mothers and Daughters… in law

each secure

My first thought here is wouldn’t this sound better if it were simply Mothers & Daughters?  sigh

(Note to self:  I must remember to find out how to put the emoji that’s laughing and crying at the same time!)

Recently, some thoughts have come together to form a theory.  A theory that’s proved true time and  time again, but since I haven’t started documenting until now we’ll stay in theory land. (thumbs up)

The mother of a son and the wife/life girlfriend of that same son should really be almost best friends.  Other than age and experience, when you think about their common denominator it’s a logical rational conclusion.  There are NO 2 females on the planet that are going to love this man more than these two. 

It starts with mom.  She gives birth/adopts this beautiful baby boy who immediately has her entire heart, and she his.  She raises him and loves him and he looks to her for nurturing and navigating childhood into young adulthood.  He knows she cares for his heart and loves him as no other person, it’s pure and it’s a comforting place.

Then he meets a young woman with whom he falls head over heels in love.

If a healthy relationship ensues then all goes well.  This young girl has another woman who loves her as her mom does and this young man has a young woman who will now receive the care for his heart for hopefully the rest of his life.

She looks to his mom sometimes because she wants to take care of this man’s heart and knows this woman is the best resource she has.  They develop a deep, honest, caring relationship and trust each other knowing that no one can ever take either of their places.  They’re each secure in knowing that their unique place in this man’s heart is sacred and just that.  A mom and a wife in a man’s heart are sacredly unique and should be celebrated as such!

However…. if either if them is insecure regarding their place in the mans heart, then life can become one dramatic scene after another.  Who is the one hurt the most?  The young man.

If the young woman is not secure in her place, she’s going to view his mom as a threat, as a woman who doesn’t want her son to have a life of his own.  Then she’ll take steps to prove to the man how wrong his mother is, and how he’s better off without her.  This is ultimately painful for the mother and her feelings are understandably hurt.

If the mom is not secure in her place, she’ll hover and intrude and expect to be included with everything they do.  She’ll guilt her son into doing things and leave the young woman wondering what she’s done wrong and her feelings are understandably hurt.

~~~

But….this is all so easily resolved.  If either party gets a clear moment in their mind and realizes, “my place is unique.  NO one can take it from me” then hopefully they can get past their issues.

Young women, chill!  She’s had the care of her sons heart his entire life, she just wants to know she can trust you’ll care for it.  She’d like some time with her son, when you have children you’ll understand.

Women, chill!  She’s loved by your son and wants to care for his heart.  Give her a chance and let them build their relationship on their own.  Remember, you too were once young and in love and wanted a chance.

There is so much more I could add to this and probably will in another post for now, simply remember your place in his heart is yours.  You’re irreplaceable, rest and take comfort in that fact.

Real Estate

real estate insider trading (?)

A few years ago, I was house shopping.  I wanted to stay in the same neighborhood if possible, I really liked the laid back community and my walking route was great.  I noticed a particular house was vacant, and the property was still maintained quite well.

After about a year, there were notices on the door.  I was curious and hopeful that it might be going for sale, so I called the #’s listed only to be told there’s nothing they can tell me.  At this point I was hopeful it would go for sale soon.  I continued my daily walks noticing the house everyday and hoping I would get to buy it.

Then one day about 7:30a.m. as I rounded the corner, there it was!  A For Sale sign was in the yard and I was thrilled!  I immediately texted the real estate agent and this was her reply:

“That house actually has multiple offers on it.  I showed it as well.  I would love the opportunity to help you.”

A few weeks later the SOLD sign was attached to the For Sale sign and it still sat vacant for several months.  Approximately one year later a work truck is parked out in front of it and over the next couple of months work is in process.

Out for my walk, I round the corner and there’s a For…. RENT sign in the yard by the same company (Coldwell Banker) that had it for sale!  I called the real estate agent wanting to know what was going on, did Coldwell Banker sell it to Coldwell Banker or just decide to keep it and rent it?  I never got a straight answer from her so I researched myself.  Here is what happened as I observed the property and as confirmed with the property tax records which are public information:

Coldwell Banker put it up for sale with the local Coldwell Banker owner/broker as the listing agent.

One of their real estate agents “DL” bought it.

Coldwell Banker put up a sign For Rent with the real estate agent “DL”.

(My call to the real estate agent.)

Coldwell Banker sign comes down and up goes “L” Investments Rent Sign.

A couple months later, the property is rented and is now “L” Investments rental property.

My problem with the entire scenario is it reeks of real estate insider trading.  Not that there is such a thing, but if there was this is it.  A property for sale, an agent with the listing company buys it, does the title work to move it to his investments company, and now it’s rental property.

What’s bothering me is the entire real estate market is going the wrong direction.  It seems everyone thinks they can make money off rental property.  In addition to their personal home, they buy another home, then seek to rent it.  They really can’t afford 2 mortgages and the upkeep of both, so the rent is then inflated to cover the 2nd mortgage and any possible repairs, and or maintenance to the 2nd property.

THEN, the true real estate businesses take notice that a similar property they rent for $1,000 per month is being rented for $1,500  WHAT?  We can’t have that!  So they inflate their rent to the “going market rate” of $1,500.  NEVER MIND that it’s completely unnecessary to raise it to that price!  But, hey, after all it is the “market rate”.

Result: RENT IS HIGHER THAN HOUSE PAYMENTS!  <– which is absolutely ludicrous!

Rent is so high there’s no way to save $ to possibly buy a home and you’d better have some room mates to help share expenses.

Does anyone else remember when the whole reason you rented was so you could save some money?  How many young families are struggling because someone wanted to make an extra buck on a rent house?

Does anyone else see a problem here of say maybe a feudal system on the horizon?

(If you are unfamiliar with a feudal system – please research and educate yourself.)

It frustrates me and makes me feel helpless.

At the same time any change starts with the individual.

(NOT the government.  If you think passing a ton of laws/legislation is the way to stop greed from the Corporate CEO to the individual living on the street, I feel bad for you because you’re seriously misinformed.  Greed is not a legal issue, it’s a moral / ethical heart /emotional issue.  If people are afraid what they have, however large or small, will be taken from them, they will figure out how to keep it, period.  Oops, I digress which is quite usual for me.)

Since I am an individual and not a real estate company I will not buy a 2nd house and charge exorbitant rent in order to cover the 2nd mortgage and the upkeep that is really not in my budget either.

Rant over.

Vintage youth

eclectic taste in music

This afternoon I’m working moving numbers as usual, but instead of the usual silence or listening to Joseph Prince I got out some old CD’s.  It’s fun to look through them, and marvel at the artists whose work is classic, whose work is forgotten and the ones still making music.

To say I have eclectic taste in music is about as accurate as it gets:  everything from Eagles (my #1 all time favorite ever for always!) to Whitesnake, Rod Stewart, Luther Vandross, Bill Withers, Beach Boys, Shania Twain, Cheryl Crow, Los Lonely Boys, Cheap Trick, Lou Bega, Savage Garden, Third Eye Blind, LeCrae…. and the list continues.  Suffice to say, music is a big part of my world.

On any given day, I most often pop in Eagles greatest hits.  Why?  Because they’re lyrics speak to my soul, as does most music.  Not in some ethereal heebie jeebie kind of way, but it meets me wherever I am.

I remember when I was in the process of getting divorced, the song Already Gone was my anthem.  I’d play it loud and sing just as loud.

“So often times it happens, we live our lives in chains and we never even realize we have the key.”

“When you look up in the sky, you can see the stars and still not see the light.”  That’s right.

Next on the play list is Rod Stewart greatest hits, Forever Young.  If you think about it, age is only a number, it has nothing to do with who you are.

Let’s all get the key and unlock our shackles, notice the brilliant light the stars offer us and remember to enjoy life and have fun.

 

A Relief

I am grateful

This afternoon I had lunch with a friend who I now know is as genuine as I ever believed she was.  I feel such a sense of relief, like some type of weight has been lifted off my shoulders that I hadn’t even realized was there.  She’s still as beautiful inside and out as she ever, maybe even more.  The experience of life adds a dimension to beauty that can only be granted to those who walk the earth decade after decade.

We’ve known each other and been friends for over 34 years now and I am grateful in the depth of my soul that she is who I believed her to be.  I almost feel giddy!  She is another real soul, a woman journeying through life, learning, growing and becoming all she can become each day.

I am so grateful, did I say that already?

Now I remember

…share my truth…

I’ve got to be honest;  for the last few days I’ve completely lost sight of why I started this blog.  I sat last night staring at the screen feeling empty, incomplete and purposeless.  Then today, a few moments ago I remembered.

I’m here because I’ve been on one hell of a journey to be able to be comfortable in my own skin, to think my own thoughts, to share my own truth, to say what I want to say, to be true to myself.  This journey needs to be told, because if it helps one, only one person on the entire planet, then all the heartache, blood, sweat and tears will be worth it.

Very shortly, I’m going to eat lunch with a friend.  15 years ago, I would have told you she was one of my dearest and closest friends.

We went on an annual shopping trip and on our 40th birthday’s (which are 28 days apart) we went to Manhattan.  We stayed in the Roosevelt Hotel and had the greatest time!  We went to a Broadway play, rode the Staten Island ferry, met and chatted with several policemen who were gregarious and full of life, rode the subway to the Bronx and saw the old Yankee stadium before it was torn down.  While on the subway a group of 3 people about 25ish in age, started singing impromptu – they were fantastic and the experience was spellbinding!  We walked everywhere, shopped, went to Macy’s, Tiffany’s and was great vacation!

For now, fast forward through details, my divorce, my move away from my sons for 2 years which coincided with my immersion in a bottle or two or 100 of tequila.  Those facts along with our professed Christianity and I was left the scapegoat, the black sheep, the bad guy, whatever.  (Sidebar, I believe Jesus died and rose for me, and I believe my Father in heaven loves me unconditionally.  At the same time, I cuss like a sailor at times, and am a very real imperfect woman.)

Fast forward again to today.  I’ve been back for just about 10 years, and I’ve run into this friend and we’d say hi, and exchange pleasantries.  I learned very quickly that most people who I ran into after my 2 year absence would be so “happy” to see me and that I was back “let’s do lunch” did not mean what they were saying at all.

To be honest, I never knew where I stood with this particular friend.  She seemed genuine enough, but was always too busy for lunch etc., that is until this past week.  We set a lunch date today in about 35 minutes via messages on Facebook.  I believe she too is looking for some authenticity, that the game of pretend has made her weary as well.  At least that is my hope.  I could be completely wrong.  Either way, I know today will answer many questions.

So, for now, I’m off to lunch and may honest, authentic conversation reign.

Letting go

terrifying, yet liberating…

On July 13th, 2017 I finally let go.  It was terrifying, yet by the end of the day…. liberating.  A couple of months ago, someone gave an opinion on my life.  I’ve known this person less than one year, had a total of 4 conversations that were nothing more than small talk and yet through 3rd party gossip they felt they could make a judgment about me.  That judgment was, “she just can’t let go of her sons.”

This person, on one hand, is about as wrong as they could get.  Their view is tainted and so inaccurate its laughable.  I let go of my oldest son long ago.  I had no choice.  I love him, and believe he loves me.  But the sad truth is our relationship is tentative.  I never know when he’ll decide I’ve said the wrong thing and not talk to me for a while.  There have been several occasions where he was open and we had honest heart to heart amazing conversations and I thought we were finally in a good place and starting to heal.  He has said what great relationships he has with me, with his dad:  that he shares his life with us and gets our opinions on things.  It’s then that I start believing that we’re finally in a good place and moving forward.  My deepest hope is that someday one of these open honest conversations will be the catalyst to our healthy and whole parent – adult child relationship.

 

On the other hand, they were right and I realized I hadn’t let go of my youngest.  That is until yesterday.  In one instant, through some extenuating circumstances the only sound was the slight hiss of the blade cutting through the air.  It was done, I let him go.  It’s odd how it can happen so fast, so instantly.  One minute life looks one way, and not even a full second later it’s completely different.

He and I have a relatively good relationship in spite of everything.  After my 2 year absence and I moved back home, he told me he always believed I’d come home.  This belief he had in me was so powerful.  At the time I had no idea, but I do know that was the guiding force that brought me home.  I’ll forever be grateful.  He’s brilliant and has a beautiful mind and heart, but I’m not sure he knows that.

I don’t know what the future holds, who does.  I do know that my home, my heart is always open to them, and I am hopeful for healthy relationships with them, eventually their wives, and their families.

Yes, I’ve let them both go, and while there might have been a tear or two, there’s also anticipation of what’s to come.  Because in so many ways, I’m just getting started….