Now I remember

…share my truth…

I’ve got to be honest;  for the last few days I’ve completely lost sight of why I started this blog.  I sat last night staring at the screen feeling empty, incomplete and purposeless.  Then today, a few moments ago I remembered.

I’m here because I’ve been on one hell of a journey to be able to be comfortable in my own skin, to think my own thoughts, to share my own truth, to say what I want to say, to be true to myself.  This journey needs to be told, because if it helps one, only one person on the entire planet, then all the heartache, blood, sweat and tears will be worth it.

Very shortly, I’m going to eat lunch with a friend.  15 years ago, I would have told you she was one of my dearest and closest friends.

We went on an annual shopping trip and on our 40th birthday’s (which are 28 days apart) we went to Manhattan.  We stayed in the Roosevelt Hotel and had the greatest time!  We went to a Broadway play, rode the Staten Island ferry, met and chatted with several policemen who were gregarious and full of life, rode the subway to the Bronx and saw the old Yankee stadium before it was torn down.  While on the subway a group of 3 people about 25ish in age, started singing impromptu – they were fantastic and the experience was spellbinding!  We walked everywhere, shopped, went to Macy’s, Tiffany’s and was great vacation!

For now, fast forward through details, my divorce, my move away from my sons for 2 years which coincided with my immersion in a bottle or two or 100 of tequila.  Those facts along with our professed Christianity and I was left the scapegoat, the black sheep, the bad guy, whatever.  (Sidebar, I believe Jesus died and rose for me, and I believe my Father in heaven loves me unconditionally.  At the same time, I cuss like a sailor at times, and am a very real imperfect woman.)

Fast forward again to today.  I’ve been back for just about 10 years, and I’ve run into this friend and we’d say hi, and exchange pleasantries.  I learned very quickly that most people who I ran into after my 2 year absence would be so “happy” to see me and that I was back “let’s do lunch” did not mean what they were saying at all.

To be honest, I never knew where I stood with this particular friend.  She seemed genuine enough, but was always too busy for lunch etc., that is until this past week.  We set a lunch date today in about 35 minutes via messages on Facebook.  I believe she too is looking for some authenticity, that the game of pretend has made her weary as well.  At least that is my hope.  I could be completely wrong.  Either way, I know today will answer many questions.

So, for now, I’m off to lunch and may honest, authentic conversation reign.

Letting go

terrifying, yet liberating…

On July 13th, 2017 I finally let go.  It was terrifying, yet by the end of the day…. liberating.  A couple of months ago, someone gave an opinion on my life.  I’ve known this person less than one year, had a total of 4 conversations that were nothing more than small talk and yet through 3rd party gossip they felt they could make a judgment about me.  That judgment was, “she just can’t let go of her sons.”

This person, on one hand, is about as wrong as they could get.  Their view is tainted and so inaccurate its laughable.  I let go of my oldest son long ago.  I had no choice.  I love him, and believe he loves me.  But the sad truth is our relationship is tentative.  I never know when he’ll decide I’ve said the wrong thing and not talk to me for a while.  There have been several occasions where he was open and we had honest heart to heart amazing conversations and I thought we were finally in a good place and starting to heal.  He has said what great relationships he has with me, with his dad:  that he shares his life with us and gets our opinions on things.  It’s then that I start believing that we’re finally in a good place and moving forward.  My deepest hope is that someday one of these open honest conversations will be the catalyst to our healthy and whole parent – adult child relationship.

 

On the other hand, they were right and I realized I hadn’t let go of my youngest.  That is until yesterday.  In one instant, through some extenuating circumstances the only sound was the slight hiss of the blade cutting through the air.  It was done, I let him go.  It’s odd how it can happen so fast, so instantly.  One minute life looks one way, and not even a full second later it’s completely different.

He and I have a relatively good relationship in spite of everything.  After my 2 year absence and I moved back home, he told me he always believed I’d come home.  This belief he had in me was so powerful.  At the time I had no idea, but I do know that was the guiding force that brought me home.  I’ll forever be grateful.  He’s brilliant and has a beautiful mind and heart, but I’m not sure he knows that.

I don’t know what the future holds, who does.  I do know that my home, my heart is always open to them, and I am hopeful for healthy relationships with them, eventually their wives, and their families.

Yes, I’ve let them both go, and while there might have been a tear or two, there’s also anticipation of what’s to come.  Because in so many ways, I’m just getting started….

 

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