When I read that, everything literally stopped. I could feel the truth in it, but immediately my heart pushed back a “NO”. I decided to go walk my dog and think about it and let the truth I knew was there unfold as it may.
When I thought about my deepest pain, there’s no question it’s when I left my 2 sons for 2 years and drowned myself in tequila. The issue with this deepest pain being my greatest gift and where I found the fight was in the fact that it hurt my sons. How in the “f” could my deepest pain, that hurt my 2 sons, the 2 people I love more than anyone on this planet, become my greatest gift? No. No. No. I must always pay for what I did. It was horrible. It was emotional trauma I INFLICTED ON MY SONS. They did nothing to deserve that.
Once again, my weary heart was wrenched and the pain began crushing my chest.
The truth living in “my deepest pain becoming my greatest gift” sat there in my mind.
That’s when the fog started to lift and I saw something clear for the first time.
It doesn’t matter that I came home and have been here for a little more than 11 years. It doesn’t matter how many times I say I am sorry, whether they have or have not forgiven me is out of my control. It is completely up to them.
That… how to digest that. How to accept that. And, why does that hurt to the core of my being?
It’s because I know the love I have for my sons. I know that I’m in their corner for them regardless of what they do or do not do. I know that I have their back, period. But, none of that takes away from their mom leaving them, abandoning them at 14 and 10 years old.
This is the truth I have to accept.
Immediately the decision in my face to either continue to live in a pseudo “I’m ok mode” which is really living in the pit of guilt for my actions, or to actually do the work I need to do to forgive myself and get out of this miserably comfortable pit I’ve made my nest.
I don’t know how my deepest pain will become my greatest gift. I may feel the truth in it, but I can’t see how and have no idea what it will look like. What I do know is I have to go on this journey starting now.
They say when you can tell your story without crying that you’ve healed. I wonder about that. When I think about how I broke my two sons hearts, I honestly don’t know how I’ll ever share that with anyone without tears flowing. You know, the kind that you can feel from the pit of your stomach. So I have to wonder if that means healing will never happen (?).
As I stumbled through the next year of life, zombie like, I had no epiphanies, no ideas, no insight, no living. I did what was expected and didn’t cause waves. That is until the day I told my “husband” I was moving back to my sons. Ahh the stories I could tell, but I suppose since it involves him, I could get my seat in a sling so I’ll let this one word suffice “Drama”. Drama for another year while we tried a long distance relationship which was never going to work. Why we both took turns “clinging” to something that was already gone makes no sense. (Well, that is unless you understand about codependency. If you do, umm, I’m sorry(?) and the good news is no one has to stay that way. Insert wink emoji!)
By the way, did anyone notice already gone? If you did, do you know why that’s a big deal? If I had any idea how, I’d have a contest and see who knows the reason. Insert fun emoji here. hahaha
“Drama”. There you have it, one word, but it says volumes. Truth be told, I didn’t really love him, he didn’t really love me. He was a place to go when the rest of the world turned their back on me. I was a additional source of income for the never ending bike “ride”. Since I’m writing this and it’s my story, I’ll take the burden of guilt on me. Then lay it at the foot of Jesus cross where He took every last rotten thing I’ve ever done or will do and died for me. Grace. Amazing Grace.
As this 2 year vacation winds down, it’s fairly important to point some things out or maybe set them straight.
First, moving back to a place where I was the subject of tabloid fodder and gossip was not easy. I wish I could say I stood tall and walked straight. Not really. I had to see people regularly who knew me, knew my history and had on many occasions added wonderful speculative details to the story. That’s always fun right? I stood up enough to get a place to live and enough furniture so my sons could live with me if they chose to and be relatively comfortable.
Second, while religion was NOT a part of my life, I did believe in God, His Son, and the Spirit. So I tried going to church intermittently at several different churches. The denomination didn’t matter to me then, and it still doesn’t now. In doing this, it built something, I don’t know if it was character, or perseverance or courage to walk into places where there were always people who knew me, I knew them and to see the “looks”… in church. Gives you one heck of a warm fuzzy eh? After a couple of years of this, I settled on house church. Meaning, I got up Sunday mornings and worshipped with Lakewood Church via the internet to help me remember God did love me, and He wasn’t waiting to pounce on me with a lightening bolt.
Third, my moving back after 2 years did not mean everything was all peachy and perfect with my sons. Not by any stretch. My youngest moved in with me within a month of my return, and my oldest came over and ate with me once per week. The journey with them since has not been a straight line of everyone sharing, healing, and now all is better.
No. Not at all.
The healing with my sons continues: at their pace.
Current day, as in today: my oldest spent the weekend here and this a.m. before he went out the door to work, he stopped, let me hug him, hugged me back and we both said I love you. My youngest stopped by a couple of hours ago, and we visited about various topics for about 30 – 45 minutes. Before he went out the door, he stopped, let me hug him, hugged me back and we both said I love you. For those hugs and the words I love you shared with my sons, I praise my Heavenly Father and to Him be the glory!! Hallelujah!!
I’ve been back home now for 10 1/2 years. I wondered as I came to the close of this 2 year vacation which direction in this twisting turning journey of becoming authentic I would go next. It turns out, I had quite a spiritual awakening in that directly affects authenticity just last week. As a matter of fact, it may be one of the most significant in my life to date.
So I believe I’ll believe. I’ll believe God can do anything and His timing, is always perfect.