Truth Unfolds

I recently saw this meme:

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When I read that, everything literally stopped.  I could feel the truth in it, but immediately my heart pushed back a “NO”.  I decided to go walk my dog and think about it and let the truth I knew was there unfold as it may.

When I thought about my deepest pain, there’s no question it’s when I left my 2 sons for 2 years and drowned myself in tequila.  The issue with this deepest pain being my greatest gift and where I found the fight was in the fact that it hurt my sons.  How in the “f” could my deepest pain, that hurt my 2 sons, the 2 people I love more than anyone on this planet, become my greatest gift?  No.  No.  No.  I must always pay for what I did.  It was horrible.  It was emotional trauma I INFLICTED ON MY SONS.  They did nothing to deserve that.

Once again, my weary heart was wrenched and the pain began crushing my chest.

Yet…

The truth living in “my deepest pain becoming my greatest gift” sat there in my mind.

That’s when the fog started to lift and I saw something clear for the first time.

It doesn’t matter that I came home and have been here for a little more than 11 years.  It doesn’t matter how many times I say I am sorry, whether they have or have not forgiven me is out of my control.  It is completely up to them.

That… how to digest that.  How to accept that.  And, why does that hurt to the core of my being?

It’s because I know the love I have for my sons.  I know that I’m in their corner for them regardless of what they do or do not do.  I know that I have their back, period.   But, none of that takes away from their mom leaving them, abandoning them at 14 and 10 years old.

This is the truth I have to accept.

 

~~~

 

Immediately the decision in my face to either continue to live in a pseudo “I’m ok mode” which is really living in the pit of guilt for my actions, or to actually do the work I need to do to forgive myself and get out of this miserably comfortable pit I’ve made my nest.

I don’t know how my deepest pain will become my greatest gift.  I may feel the truth in it, but I can’t see how and have no idea what it will look like.  What I do know is I have to go on this journey starting now.

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What’s truly important

…who loves her sons…

Some thoughts.

From the first woman who ever loved you, but not the last.

From the first woman who loves you forever, but not the last.

From the first woman who kissed your precious little face, but not the last.

From the first woman who’s trying for as long as she lives to give you true unconditional love, but my deepest hope is I’m not the last: because at the end of the day, who you love and who loves you is what matters most.  May you fully know unconditional love.

From the woman who’s learned the hard way, the first person for me to love unconditionally is me, and the first person for you is you. Forgive yourself every last thing, big or small matters not.  Forgive you and love you.

 

From the woman who said, “Get to know yourself well enough to work with who you are” decades ago and had no idea the depth of truth to that statement.

May you know the truth, because it does indeed set you free.

 

Pain. You’ve already endured more than you ever should have.

It’s a part of life, it hurts, it’s no fun and sometimes it feels like you’ll be crushed under the weight of it and that there’s no way to even take a breath.

And why, why does it seem to hurt the worst at night? Being tired magnifies every bad emotion 10x’s and more.

Pain is the one emotion people run from and anesthetize more than any other. After I tried food, staying up way too late, binge watching t.v., running, tequila, men, shopping (if I buy that I’ll feel better), anger in raging at anyone who crossed my path, I could go on and am sure you could add some but you get the point.

I’ve discovered another way.

When the crushing blow is dealt, walk right into it, breathe it in, feel it completely and let it engulf you like an ocean wave and succumb to it. Then ride it for as long as it takes to finally break on the shore.  When it breaks, and it will, slowly stand up, gain your footing and walk one step at a time as the healing begins to flow.  One day at a time.

Not an easy task, but a worthwhile endeavor. As the healing flows, so do wisdom and truth.

Unconditional love (you first), forgiveness (you first), seeking truth, navigating pain and above all is…

Rest.

Sometimes you have to fight for your rest, other people, situations, and even yourself. A good night’s sleep is the cure for much more than we realize.  Rest.

 

So why did I do this? Because I realize I say many words, but don’t say much.  I want to make sure I get said what’s really important.

With love,

A mom who loves her sons with every ounce of her being