Letting go

On July 13th, 2017 I finally let go.  It was terrifying, yet by the end of the day…. liberating.  A couple of months ago, someone gave an opinion on my life.  I’ve known this person less than one year, had a total of 4 conversations that were nothing more than small talk and yet through 3rd party gossip they felt they could make a judgment about me.  That judgment was, “she just can’t let go of her sons.”

This person, on one hand, is about as wrong as they could get.  Their view is tainted and so inaccurate its laughable.  I let go of my oldest son long ago.  I had no choice.  I love him, and believe he loves me.  But the sad truth is our relationship is tentative.  I never know when he’ll decide I’ve said the wrong thing and not talk to me for a while.  There have been several occasions where he was open and we had honest heart to heart amazing conversations and I thought we were finally in a good place and starting to heal.  He has said what great relationships he has with me, with his dad:  that he shares his life with us and gets our opinions on things.  It’s then that I start believing that we’re finally in a good place and moving forward.  My deepest hope is that someday one of these open honest conversations will be the catalyst to our healthy and whole parent – adult child relationship.

On the other hand, they were right and I realized I hadn’t let go of my youngest.  That is until yesterday.  In one instant, through some extenuating circumstances the only sound was the slight hiss of the blade cutting through the air.  It was done, I let him go.  It’s odd how it can happen so fast, so instantly.  One minute life looks one way, and not even a full second later it’s completely different.

He and I have a relatively good relationship in spite of everything.  After my 2 year absence and I moved back home, he told me he always believed I’d come home.  This belief he had in me was so powerful.  At the time I had no idea, but I do know that was the guiding force that brought me home.  I’ll forever be grateful.  He’s brilliant and has a beautiful mind and heart, but I’m not sure he knows that.

I don’t know what the future holds, who does.  I do know that my home, my heart is always open to them, and I am hopeful for healthy relationships with them, eventually their wives, and their families.

Yes, I’ve let them both go, and while there might have been a tear or two, there’s also anticipation of what’s to come.  Because in so many ways, I’m just getting started….